


Giving The Hour

by VOYEUR_BAMBI, WET_NOODLES



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Unreal Heir
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-11
Packaged: 2017-11-06 19:21:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/422305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VOYEUR_BAMBI/pseuds/VOYEUR_BAMBI, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WET_NOODLES/pseuds/WET_NOODLES
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two gods seek uncomfortable distractions from uncomfortable truths. (Warning: Graphic descriptions of disgusting but fabricated sexual feats you'd come across on Urban Dictionary, mentions of self-harm, etc.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pesterlog 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wet Noodles was interested in confronting ideas of Godhood post-game. For all intents and purposes, the kids are young adults now. You will not see much of that in the first chapter, but we're cooking up a brief stint for AO3 on a whim. 
> 
> As many of you can probably imagine, this sucker was born from some on/off chatplay Wet Noodles and I decided to clean up for fun. It began John/Dave at heart, but who knows how long it will take to get to the "good stuff". Prose to come in later chapters (probably).

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:11 \--

TG: john i want you to degrade me  
TG: in a rap  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is an idle chum. --

TG: im a men  
TG: men dont want to be loved john  
TG: dont fucking touch me  
TG: that hurt/comfort stuff  
TG: thats for girls  
TG: were you just initiating a tender brofist  
TG: put that shit down  
TG: and dont you dare remember our anniversary  
TG: not even with chuck e cheese coupons  
TG: that shits nasty anyway  
TG: you wanna know what really gets me off  
TG: a coconut cream pie to the face  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 17:41 --  


EB: don't mention creampies anywhere dave.  
EB: least of all involving coconuts.  
TG: john you sick pranking fuck  
TG: you of all people  
EB: are the coconuts your balls or something?  
TG: i expected better from you  
EB: Coconut creampie (9 up, 6 down) A semen filled vagina resulting from an interracial gang bang.  
TG: i mean literal pies  
EB: coconut cream pie (3 thumbs down) an insane amount of rough,sexual intercourse resulting in rock hard nipples. the male of the pair is about to cum, he rubs the females nipples ( the nipples are located on the boobs or the "coconuts") and then cumming all over her vagina and bush.girl- "oh god yes!!!!! oh god! yes! yes! yes! harder! faster! harder!" guy- "i am cumming!" girl- "rub my fucking nipples!!! give me a, yes! a coconut cream pie!!!!!! FUCK YES!" guy- rubs the shit out of her nipples extremley hard and cums all over her vagina and bush. "yeah!" girl- " FUCK YES!! HOLLY SHIT!!!"  
TG: holly shit  
EB: 1.Coconut Muffin (1 thumb up) Right when you are about to come, you pull out and frost a muffin with your jizz and make the girl eat it. "Yo, that ho thought my coconut muffin tasted great last night. She was begging me for another!"  
TG: john im busy stop c/pasting this stuff  
TG: i get it  
EB: we're making a traumatic memory out of baking for both of us.  
EB: you and me: welcome to nam.  
EB: rattlesnake wiggle (141 up, 26 down) the act of having a limp dick (must be gifted enough to have a large limp dick) and having a girl about to give you head on her knees and while standing swing your hips from side to side making your dick smack off each side of her face making a noise, or you can do it without the girl and make it snap off each one of your legs,, must make noise!!!!  
TG: "snap off each one of your legs"?  
TG: damn thats what im talking about  
EB: 1.Dave (4061 up, 1185 down) A term used to refer to the coolest person in a group. "Oh man, I was the Dave of the party."  
TG: yup  
EB: "has the sweetest smile and most gorgeous eyes, just thinking about him puts a smile on your face. The one person that means so much to you that you can't imagine life without him.This guy I met today - hes such a Dave!"  
TG: did you write that  
EB: 16.Dave (56 up, 66 down) 1\. (n.) the ultimate creeper. 2\. (v.) to be put in a creepy situation by a creepy guy. To be creeped out by a guy (e.g) he totally daved that chick.  
EB: 19.Dave (55 up, 90 down) the "butch" partner in a lesbian relationship "who do you think is the dave?"  
EB: obviously not!  
TG: i totally daved you  
EB: 20.Dave (19 up, 28 down) (noun) the act of making a horrible joke "Yo that joke was so bad, you just pulled a Dave!"  
EB: that's six kinds of ambiguous now.  
TG: its never enough for you  
EB: nothing ever is.  
EB: 24.dave (29 up, 82 down) another term for a crap "I need to lay a stinkin' dave"  
EB: 27.Dave (19 up, 52 down) Verb. To pointlessly repeat something over and over and over and over and over and over.  
EB: 28.Dave (10 up, 20 down) A person who thinks they are super cool but are, in reality, extreme douche bags.  
EB: wow dave you're really popular!  
TG: stfu im a bona fide delight  
TG: hey what do you know  
TG: first goddamn entry  
TG: 1. John (9733 up, 4580 down) a very extreamly confusing guy. shows that he has feelings for you sometimes, but then might just randomly stop talking to you at any time. veryy flirtatious. manwhore. willll lead you on. halarious. full of charisma. you have to love him. boys are jealous of him. girls are jealous of the girl he is flirting with at the time.. not persistant.  
EB: 30.Dave (34 up, 120 down) Buttflush the turbo douche. A guy so stupid it takes him 5 minutes to respond to a simple question.  
EB: you know i'm the persistantest manwhore on the planet.  
EB: 31.dave (12 up, 35 down) Bitch- A tart who hangs on the back of motorbikes.  
TG: ok thats enough  
EB: are you convinced yet?  
TG: john (6249 up, 4747 down) a person who uses the services of a prostitute Police ran a sting on the newcomer johns at the whorehouse  
EB: okay but first:  
EB: 37.Dave (6 up, 17 down) To dave something is to change the topic when you have nothing else to say. It's signified by announcing "DAVED."  
EB: you have to announce it!  
TG: wait convinced of what  
TG: i was so distracted by tarts and stinking daves i forgot what you were trying to prove  
EB: me too, honestly...  
EB: 43.Dave (3 up, 14 down) A extremly over weight loser with no friends and smells bad "you dave"  
EB: these are getting sort of repetitive.  
TG: yeah dont  
TG: are you having a hard time finding the bad ones or is it just me  
EB: 50.Dave (1 up, 8 down) Short for douchebag, douchabaggery. Usually a Dave will try to fight you to try to prove he is tough even though his friends like him when hes not being an asshole. "Wow, come on guy let take it down a notch. Maybe you should stop, and being dave."  
TG: so i was thinking about having a litter with jade  
EB: speaking of jade:  
EB: A girl who is head strong, makes mistakes but learns from them, is also a very hyperactive person, talks alot. Is faithful and a good friend to all.  
TG: literally all the entries for john are just people masturbating to your name  
TG: im on page 7  
EB: there are only 8 pages.  
EB: they cut it off at 50 entries.  
EB: ...  
EB: oh my god.  
EB: i can't look at these anymore.  
EB: the jade entries got really weird, really quick.  
TG: hahahahahaha  
TG: weirder than dave  
EB: The name Jade is best suited to someone with dark hair and tends to conjure up an oriental feel (mmm... sounds hot)  
TG: John (33 up, 120 down) A gay faggot who likes to touch men at night and in the day time. a sandwich John says: hey guys Everyone says: eww gtfo you piece of shit dfh  
EB: a sandwich.  
TG: revenge is sweet like a coconut pie  
EB: how about....  
EB: a coconut muffin?  
TG: eww gtfo you piece of shit dfh  
EB: oh god, this one wrote a poem.  
EB: The love of my life,  
My reason for existence;  
All my dreams come true,  
I offer no resistance.  
Bad poetry will I write,  
far past the end of time;  
my drink of choice is vodka,  
with soda, lemon and lime.  
Life is hard, I must admit my despair  
I am in love, all should be so sweet  
What is so right cannot be wrong  
I love you  
Note: it is the authors opinion that poetry does not have to rhyme.  
TG: i like how they had to add that at the end  
TG: like just in case someone e-mails urban dictionary issuing a complaint  
TG: asking them to take down the shitty poetry for jade because it doesnt rhyme  
EB: but it does!  
EB: that's what i don't understand.  
TG: John (28 up, 112 down) A chubby teenager, who spends all of his time playing Call of Duty, or other video games. He has very poor relationships, because he is a complete dick. "Dude your acting like a John"  
EB: i hate call of duty though.  
TG: thats your only objection  
EB: bluh!  
EB: even the nice entries are creepy.  
EB: She is like an angel from the skies, if youre in doubt just look in her eyes. -I was having an extremely bad day and everything was boring. But it suddenly changed. -Why? -I met Jade.  
EB: some of them are also suspiciously specific!  
EB: "Jade is a great name for a great girl and as such should never be given to or used by compulsive liars. Compulsive liars, game players & people who do not care about anything including themselves are now to be known as Tracey"  
TG: i wonder what kind of people use urbandictionary to blacken someones name  
TG: Small in size but definitely makes up for it with performance. Really wild when it gets dark. You won't stop sweating. He tends to download illegally. Obsessed with dick. He gets all the boys, girls, and dogs in the neighborhood. Enjoys peanut butter. "I have had enough huge dicks, I'm going for performance so I'm gonna get with John."  
EB: dude.  
TG: "i have had enough huge dicks"  
TG: who actually says that  
EB: "They just don't do it for me anymore."  
EB: also, i'm allergic to peanut butter!  
EB: "sexy, chunky monkey, lucious, soft, more to love beast"  
EB: wait.  
EB: "Asuper fantastic individual who is knowm to be the suga dadday of Carlos, who's entire surface area is not nearly half the size of her industrial schlong."  
EB: i have had enough huge dicks.  
TG: me too actually  
EB: i feel really dirty having gone through all 50 of these.  
TG: now do rose  
EB: i’m afraid to.  
EB: ...aw, this isn’t so bad!  
EB: A Rose is a person who is daring, fun loving and extremely active. Though she may come off as snobby, she is truly just shy with people and takes her time getting to know someone but if she likes you then she will be the best friend you could ever have.  
EB: All in all a remarkably beautiful individual inside and out!! "That girl is so nice! She must be a Rose!" "Random man Q)That girl is the most beautiful/sexy/amazing/gorgeous person i have ever seen who is she??? Rose’s friend: Oh thats my friend rose something special isnt she!!"  
EB: it's true, i get that question a lot.  
EB: 16.rose (118 up, 166 down) slang term for a woman's inner labia  
EB: i'm going to be sick.  
TG: hahahahahaha  
EB: Rose (75 up, 204 down) One of the most disgusting kinky sex games. A Rose is the result of a woman pushing her colon outward (usually after a session of anal sex) as far as she can. The resulting horror sight of her anus inside out bulging out of her anus is called a "rose". It's nasty, trust me, really!..."Come on, make a rose, you nasty little butt slut!..."  
EB: now we're both going to be sick.  
EB: who's laughing now, turbo douche?  
TG: im going to send this to her  
EB: oh no.  
EB: 1 - "Omg your so annoying, just like a Rose!  
TG: i agree on account of the fact that i know her personally  
EB: 2. a girl's name, usually a mean one, irresponsible, lazy, fat, dishonest, rips you off of money, degrading.  
TG: urbandictionary must really hate our family  
EB: not me!  
TG: 8 out of 9 pages agree that john is a swell guy with a big dick  
EB: i have had enough of my huge dick, dave.  
EB: 28.rose (12 up, 94 down) a term when a female excites a man until his penis becomes small and a rose-like color  
EB: i'm just begging to be given a rose.  
TG: dang you rosed me  
TG: arosed me  
TG: thatd be good for a comic  
TG: arosal...  
EB: "A kinder name to talk about Cutting or self harm without actually mentioning it."  
EB: "For the Crimson color left by the scar." Symbolized by the beauty of a rose and yet the pain of it's thorn.  
EB: this was the last entry and it left me really uncomfortable.  
TG: good  
EB: maybe even more than the idea of women forcibly prolapsing their anuses.  
EB: can you even do that??  
TG: he who asks the question must take it upon himself answer it  
TG: go forth to google my big dicked padawan  
TG: get scarce and ruminate on your self discovery  
TG: except dont really i dont want you to google prolapsing anuses  
TG: i would rather you not do that  
EB: 1.douchesickle (7 up, 2 down) a derogatory term used in place of douche-bag, lends an air of immaturity to the insulted, can backfire and make the insulter sound retarded, use with caution. "John replaced the medium sized Trojans Chad had in his drawer, with Safeway brand Extra-Small."  
EB: "She left and he had to masterbate by himself. As funny as that is, John is still a douchesickle."  
EB: i bet he was really given a rose that night.  
EB: i bet it's left him really...............  
EB: ..............  
EB: .............  
TG: jaded  
EB: ............  
EB: ...........  
TG: its jaded  
EB: ..........  
EB: .........  
TG: fucking jaded  
EB: ........  
EB: .......  
EB: ......  
TG: god damn it john  
EB: .....  
EB: ....  
EB: ...  
EB: ..  
EB: .  
EB: jaded 8)  
EB: 1.douche shandy (1 up, 1 down) part beer and then instead of lemonade its douche juice  
TG: everytime i hear a really stupid insult i think of aliens now  
EB: i wonder if they were the equivalent of urban dictionary insults that no one ever really used.  
TG: if i hear you say douche shandy i am walking away  
TG: just a warning  
TG: nicholas cage (84 up, 43 down) When two sexual partners kneel ass to ass and simotaneously defecate in an attempt to insert eachother's feces into their own ass. They were making love passionately when Jim suggested to Dan that they do the nicholas cage.  
EB: oh no.  
EB: dude.  
TG: did i go too far  
EB: i'm taking serious stock of our friendship right now.  
TG: Nicholas Cage (71 up, 59 down) A slang for marijuana used so as not to draw police attention. "Yo mang where did you leave Nick Cage?" "Hey Mendon we're all partying, come by with Nicholas Cage" "Nick Cage is a great man"  
EB: 16.Dane Cook (1372 up, 1378 down) One of the funniest comedians to ever pick up a microphone. People either love him or hate him, but most people love him. While listening to his retaliation CD while driving home, i laughed so hard I almost got into an accident. He made several appearances on Crank Yankers, and Shorties Watching Shorties "Dane Cook is so hilarious he almost killed me in a car accident"  
EB: dane cook almost indirectly killed a man with his act.  
EB: what have you accomplished?  
TG: you know that thing that people say if you could go back in time and kill hitler would you do it  
TG: well its dane cook for me  
EB: wasn't that a captain planet episode?  
TG: yeah  
EB: and don't those kill-hitler missions always end badly?  
TG: thats the point  
EB: 22.dane cook (464 up, 497 down) Possibly the funniset man to walk the earth...hes a BAMF "That Dane Cook guy is a funny bitch"  
TG: ghostbusters (19 up, 43 down) a game in which two or more people urinate into the same toilet at the same time, attempting to connect their streams, an imitation of the machine used in the 1980's movie. "Hey Jethro, I really gotta piss. Wanna play some ghostbusters with me?"  
TG: so do you do this  
EB: that actually sounds awesome?  
EB: i don't know what your "BEEF" is.  
TG: thats literally playing with pee  
TG: how old are you  
EB: i just remembered that you were deprived of snow for half your childhood.  
EB: everything makes sense now.  
TG: ghostbusters (5 up, 35 down) Two, or more, men who love each other in a completely non-sexual way. "Whoa, are those guys gay?" "No, man, they're just ghostbusters"  
TG: i just dont play with my own piss  
EB: when you put it that way it sounds grosser than it is.  
EB: it's not any worse than drinking it, anyway.  
EB: 1. Dane Cook is the greatest comedian EVER! i Love Him!  
EB: 31.Dane Cook (26 up, 27 down) Talented, intelligent, creative, funny, and a hard working human being. Now known as one of the "greats" of comedy, he continues to push himself to be successful in other alley ways of life. From comedy, to acting, to singing, to guitar playing, to broadway his talents are endless. He's living his dream and haters can't stand it.  
EB: it's great because you know these people are being sincere.  
TG: after a busy day slandering his bros john takes the time to write entries for his celebrity crushes  
TG: its a grammy for sure  
TG: we are looking at a man who works tirelessly into the night to spread word of the legendary dane cook  
EB: "Dane Cook: Did you ever get a really itchy asshole? Louis C.K.: This is sure funny, I might just come out and say I first said this joke just so I can achieve some fame, despite my jokes being extremely boring and mediocre."  
EB: haha, burn.  
EB: this person just accused louis c.k. of stealing jokes from dane cook.  
EB: 37.dane cook (152 up, 269 down) Dane cook is the man. One of the funniest dudes of all times. Go to youtube.com and look him up and if you don't laugh then you are one of satan's child  
TG: if becoming a comedian just devolves into people arguing who wrote your joke first i want no part of it  
TG: also i guess that makes me the antichrist  
EB: 6.Puppet (33 up, 44 down) 1.High school skanks who let their 23 year old boyfriends insert their hands inside their nasty "vaginas" in a puppet like fashion. And enjoy it. And then tell all their friends.  
TG: oh my god  
EB: i think we've gotten to the bottom of this puppet phenomenon.  
EB: excuse me, i mean "BOTTOM".  
TG: you know how we agreed i would never subtly send you pictures of cake or anything like that  
TG: jsyk this is a million times worse than breaking that promise  
EB: these people just sound like dickbags.  
EB: "5.marionette Similar in form to the Dutch Rutter; however in this instance a string or ribbon is attached to the a person's arm/hand. The person with the string attached holds their penis in their hand; while doing so, the other person tugs on the string thus working the puppet.She wouldn't give me a hand job, but she gave me an excellent marionette last night."  
TG: im not reading these anymore fuck you  
EB: wow marionette only had 5 definitions and 3 of them were sexual!  
EB: i didn't know people thought about puppets in that kind of context!  
TG: you know who else i hate  
TG: that guy i get mixed up with dane cook  
TG: the guy with the puppets  
TG: and one of thems a terrorist  
EB: how the hell do you get jeff dunham mixed up with dane cook?  
TG: whatever  
EB: he's not just a terrorist.  
EB: he's a DEAD terrorist.  
EB: get it?  
TG: i dont care  
TG: its just not funny egbert drop it  
TG: especially dead puppets  
TG: i was the biggest goosebumps fanboy up until that ventriloquist dummy one  
EB: you can appreciate someone's talents in an objective light without fanboying over it, bro.  
EB: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_iQiaF2RCU>  
TG: this is like the worst thing youve ever linked me and that includes the soulja boy parodies and goonies music videos  
EB: but...  
EB: 5 VOICES.  
TG: at least you called it a talent and not artistry  
TG: otherwise id have to block you  
EB: FIVE.  
EB: VOICES.  
EB: rose would have a lot to say about some of these jokes, though.  
TG: you mean the jokes hes gotta have a hand rammed up a foam ass to tell  
EB: she would have a lot to say about that too.  
TG: about what  
EB: is this bringing back some long-suppressed ass fixation?  
TG: i dont have an ass fixation  
EB: nicholas cage (84 up, 43 down) When two sexual partners kneel ass to ass  
TG: dont look at me  
TG: its called the nicholas cage for a reason  
TG: john  
EB: 1. Dave don't care (1 thumb up) The response used when someone asks whether you fucked the fat/ugly chick. "Did you fuck that dude?" "Dave don't care man"  
EB: 1. Dave'd out (5 thumbs up) When you tell someone you'll do something, and then you just don't like a chump. Dave: "Yeah, John. Let's hang out this weekend." -weekend- John: "Dave's not here. He Dave'd out again..."  
TG: i believe the question was  
TG: do you understand why a dead terrorist is funny  
TG: are you changing the names of the example text thats cute  
EB: because he does a funny voice for it?  
EB: no, dude.  
EB: <http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dave%27d%20out>  
EB: don't be a dave.  
EB: 1.Dave Effect (3 thumbs up) The ability to unintentionally make females upset, angry, cry or just hate your guts. "I just looked at that girl and she started crying.. Must be the Dave Effect.."  
TG: i havent daved out of anything just because i think your stupid puppet guy isnt funny  
TG: are you crying  
EB: holy shit.  
EB: 1.Daveism - A long drawn out sentence that says nothing, ultimately.  
EB: "Using more subclauses than Santa's football team."  
EB: i just shed a single tear over this entry, if that counts.  
TG: ok i know that one was written by rose  
EB: 1.daverstation (1 thumb down) The damage inflicted by a person called Dave. "There was some seriouse daverstation in the mall the other day."  
EB: this is beautiful.  
EB: i'm going to make a point to use "daverstation" in casual conversation at least once every day.  
TG: and instead of an approving fistbump ill introduce a new way of acknowledging spectacular daverstation drops  
TG: well call it the nic cage  
TG: it happens when we plant a tremulous bomp to our rumps in front of everyone  
EB: only if we get to ghostbusters afterwards.  
EB: Dave special (9 up, 1 down) Picking up a girl and fingering her before kissing her, sometimes even before speaking to her. The dave special is best used on nights out at nightclubs or crowded public places. Person 1: Hey man, how was last night? Did u pick up? Person 2: Yeah bro, i was carving up the d-floor, and gave this hottie the dave special!  
TG: i dont even know what to say  
EB: 1.Davetarded (4 up, 15 down) a total gay idiot, who's really annoying and really really ugly and cant spell for shit, who has a spastic family. who has rank teeth and breath and fucks up everything he does, who wanks all the time and pisses himself outside the movies, and really really loves lube..  
TG: john your glasses are lame  
EB: it doesn't specify in WHAT WAY you love lube.  
EB: like, do you eat it?  
EB: and your glasses are lame. :p  
TG: they were a gift from you  
TG: wow  
TG: fucking insensitive  
TG: i eat daverstating quantities of lube and paste sandwiches  
TG: while fingering a girl and listening to lil b  
EB: and drinking beer with piss.  
TG: all in another day abiding by the laws of dave light savings time  
TG: whats your favorite part of a girl though  
TG: is it her ass  
EB: why are you pushing it, dude.  
EB: 1.Dave S (2 thumbs up) Used to replace most notably "fuck it!" due to the frequency of it's use by Dave S.  
TG: im just curious  
EB: just say "fuck it".  
EB: i mean...  
EB: wait, nope.  
EB: i'm not going there.  
TG: fuck it  
EB: you’d just use the info to drag me through the mud on urban dictionary.  
EB: "that guy's such a john. also, he has an ass fixation."  
EB: "ugh, what a dave! he has a fixation on john's ass fixation."  
TG: i'd like to see that entry  
EB: john's imagined ass fixation.  
EB: "dave - recursive turbo douchestick."  
TG: >implying its fictional  
TG: what was that other word  
TG: douche shandy  
TG: sounds like a pipsqueak trying to say douchebag but an adult walks into the room halfway before theyre finished it  
TG: so they abort mission and it just comes out gibberish  
EB: did you seriously just use >implying on me.  
TG: i did  
EB: "was that guy seriously drinking all the douche shandy?"  
EB: "yeah. that's dave."  
EB: "wow, i was right about daves!"  
TG: dont cross the streams  
TG: the streams of steaming piss  
EB: thanks, i didn't get it the first time.  
TG: watch out  
TG: veer right  
TG: we might not make it out of this stall alive  
EB: "why is that kid in the corner mumbling about piss and feces?"  
EB: "oh he's the dave of the bunch."  
EB: the two speakers then proceed to have passionate sex.  
EB: they're also both really attractive, and one's name is john.  
TG: but they didnt have any lube because the dave of the bunch ate it all  
EB: it's okay, she rosed him to a manageable size.  
TG: as long as i have my douche shandy i dont need any of you  
EB: "why is that kid weeping into his piss beverage?"  
EB: "he's sad because he has a small dick."  
EB: "oh. let me guess: his name is dave?"  
EB: "yeah."  
TG: this is unfair im defenseless  
TG: UD has nothing against you  
EB: wasn't the worst it had to say about me some really weak weight-related burn?  
EB: at least urban dictionary never called you fat.  
EB: wait, yes it did.  
TG: my ass is not fat  
TG: come to UD we are a virtual mecca of dave-related jokes  
TG: we got them out the wazoo  
EB: "is that guy rambling about asses? AGAIN?"  
EB: "that’s dave."  
EB: "say no more, man."  
TG: i knew you were hung up on me but now its just getting out of hand  
EB: "ugh, what a conceited fuck! who invited him to the party?"  
EB: "don’t mind dave. he thinks EVERY THING has to be about him!"  
TG: "these are words. words somebody SAID."  
EB: "i went to go get a drink but some weirdo was sticking the ice tray down his pants so i changed my mind."  
EB: "yeah that's where dave applies the ointment for these SICK BURNS."  
TG: how did i not notice this one  
TG: John (226 up, 154 down) The "John" is a social position within a group often equivalent to the bottom rung of a ladder or the ugliest child in a orphanage. Requirements needed to fulfil this position include minimal amounts of self-respect, little to no social prowess and mild elements of physical or mental deformity (without crossing into medially recognised deformities). The "John" is often taunted and fun is made at his expense to please higher-ranked members of social circle. Despite his low-ranked position a "John" is integral to a group as a means of funnelling hatred and male bonding. As Socrates famously once said "Without a John society would cease to exist." This comment was followed by a series of childish insults directed at fellow philosopher Johnates. I hate you. You're such a John.  
EB: "fellow philosopher Johnates."  
TG: that was my favorite part  
EB: this is almost too lowbrow for me, and i unironically enjoy jeff dunham.  
EB: what's your excuse?  
EB: "that guy at the writer's workshop was really nasty and also never took off his shades!"  
TG: fuck this  
EB: "yeah, that's dave. he only likes certain things when it suits him. don’t expect him to be objective with his taste in anything, much less comedy!!!"  
TG: John (63 up, 37 down) A walking God, An adonis of the human race. Irresistable to woman. Extremely muscular and chizzled. Incredible strength and athleticism. John - The Hottest person created  
EB: fucking incredible.  
TG: i guess i didnt read half of these  
TG: John (49 up, 28 down) Shy at first, it may take a little while for a John to adjust to a new situation or person. Regardless, his personality naturally draws others to himself. Cocky half grin plastered on his face, a Naruto manga in hand, sitting back, completely chill, his relaxed state is almost contagious. He's happiest on a basketball court, listening to rad music, or just watching an intense thunderstorm. His smile causes butterflies to be born in a certain tummy. "Dude. He likes Bring Me the Horizon, You Me At Six, Escape the Fate, and Blessthefall? He's TOTALLY a John."  
EB: hahaha someone's totally crushing on a guy who reads naruto while watching thunderstorms.  
EB: "i walked into what i thought was the bathroom and it was covered with wall scrolls and escape the fate posters?"  
EB: "i warned you about dave's room, bro."  
EB: "i told you, dog."  
TG: hahahahahaha  
TG: thats pretty accurate  
TG: do you use "im a god" as a pickup line  
EB: that sounds like something you'd do.  
EB: "eww! some dave cornered me and tried using 'i'm a god' as a pickup line."  
EB: "i laughed and his face went deadpan when he said, 'no, really, i'm a god'."  
EB: "then he pulled out his sword."  
TG: "heres the plan he said"  
TG: "we kill jeff dunham"  
TG: "or i kill you"  
EB: "and then turntables appeared and now i'm talking to an alligator?"  
EB: "also, he smelled like piss."  
TG: John (60 up, 51 down) A really fucking awesome guy who has a massive dick. He is usually seen on the street being awesome and having sex with multiple women. If you are ever lucky enough to see him in person, spontaneous orgasms are in order.  
EB: john's just begging for a rose-ing.  
TG: for the love of god dont mention that in front of her  
TG: or ill god punch you in the god nose  
EB: i'll give you the john special if you do that, whatever it is.  
EB: what would a john special even entail.  
EB: it sounds like it'd hurt.  
TG: you have to do a twirl first and scream it to the skies like youre nursing a vengeance  
TG: john special!  
EB: that sounds like a naruto move.  
TG: and then you kickdrop me like an enthusiastic power ranger  
TG: and i die  
EB: i haven't watched naruto, but it sounds like a naruto move.  
TG: its not a naruto move  
EB: you're telling me there's not a move or technique in naruto called "the john special"?  
EB: my worldview is shattered.  
TG: probably not  
TG: youll have to write a letter to japan  
TG: dear japan why isnt my rad move in your naruto?  
TG: sincerely, john (im a god)  
EB: "when i worked at sears this dave came by and bought a lot of dangerous cleaning supplies, muttering something about the john special."  
TG: John's dirty laundry (7 up, 12 down) When you take a dirty sock, ball it up, and shove it in a girls ass. You then take it out, put it on your dick and then proceed to fuck her pussy. "Hey Man, I heard from nancy that you gave her a John's dirty laundry." "You bet your ass I did...get it...ass."  
EB: "who's the dude with the lucky star t shirt? he won't stop crying about john’s special dirty laundry."  
EB: "that's dave. thank god he's not in one of his ass moods today. wait, he is? i spoke too soon."  
TG: you watched lucky star  
EB: no, it was just the first thing that came to mind when i was thinking up inappropriate animes.  
TG: i didnt know it was inappropriate  
EB: uhhh...  
EB: chobits?  
TG: oh yeah that had naked ladies  
TG: youre safe now  
EB: i meant inappropriate for a grown-ass man, anyway.  
TG: ive never watched it  
EB: it could be one of those surprisingly gory and twisted-out-of-nowhere shows but that'd be even more inappropriate!  
TG: honestly ive had enough gory and twisted out of nowhere to last me a lifetime  
EB: yeah, i'd trade that for a mountain of...  
EB: john's dirty laundry.  
TG: i would say the same but we all know where wishful thinking takes us  
EB: "has anyone seen my striped socks?"  
EB: "ugh, don't bother. dave probably got to them."  
TG: thatd be the worst hobby  
TG: collecting old crusty socks nobody would ever miss and sticking them up your ass  
EB: "what happened to john's dirty laundry?"  
EB: "it's a goner, bro. *aims a pointed glare in dave's direction*"  
EB: that's how you usually format these things, right?  
TG: *snaps on naruto headband*  
TG: yep  
TG: better stop before we break something  
EB: *shucks off neon arm warmers disappointedly*  
TG: jesus  
EB: will you take me like this, daveretto-sempai?  
TG: *lifts up the skirt you wear over your jeans, swatting aside the kitsune tail clip-on*  
TG: hand me your sock  
EB: b-but...  
EB: *eyes quiver*  
EB: *eyes can quiver in anime*  
EB: that place is dirty!  
EB: you nic cage there!  
TG: *answers your quivering stare with a glare that could dice carrots*  
TG: no your dirty  
EB: davenada-san can we just ghost busters instead?  
TG: well make up your mind is it daveretto-sempai or davenada-san because frankly im affronted at your lack of decisiveness  
EB: wow, you’re right.  
EB: i mean we have to commit to authenticity when it comes to these creepy scenarios.  
EB: how about sensei.  
TG: dont think i havent noticed you bringing it back to the urinal olympics again  
TG: youve got your heart set on this havent you  
TG: sensei is fine  
EB: "i went to take a piss and some guy was alternating between sobbing and vomiting in the urinals, while masturbating. i didn't realize this was the daves' room!"  
TG: ouch  
TG: ive decided to change my name now  
EB: you're like the butterfly of unfortunate stigma.  
EB: you've fattened yourself on unflattering urbandictionary entries and have pupated into something beautiful and pristine.  
TG: i feel more like an ant that keeps getting buried under some kids funny pile of dirt  
TG: the more i try to climb my way out of it the more it just strikes me as inevitable because this kids a dick  
TG: its a tie between rose or john or the man formerly known as dave strider  
EB: join us, we come with t-shirts.  
EB: and really, almost comically oversized penises.  
EB: "ugh, what a john. he keeps reminding me that people on urbandictionary don't really have a high opinion of those that share my name, and also he has a huge cock and a really great ass!"  
TG: wouldnt it be something if we did the ghostbusters thing and it turned out you really did have a huge dong and it was like this urban legend  
EB: "i agree. ass is choice as kobe."  
EB: dude why did you think i was banking so hard on that.  
TG: choice as kobe  
EB: like the beef.  
EB: not the guy.  
EB: c'mon.  
TG: you know size only matters when it comes to subway  
EB: i'm not saying anything.  
TG: wtf neither am i  
TG: thats dumb  
TG: because apparently comparison actually requires you having taken a ruler to your own meat at some point in time  
EB: "sometimes i like to go to the abandoned church and pray. it feels kind of like i have a more personal connection with god. anyway, i went in, and this dave was kneeling at the altar."  
EB: "i was curious, so i came up. you know, really quietly, so he couldn't hear."  
EB: "and i strained my ear, hard, to hear what he was saying."  
TG: if this is a methinks he doth protest too much joke  
EB: "in a broken whisper, he sobbed..."  
TG: i really am god punching you  
EB: "i cannot hope to beat john in a cock-off."  
TG: f u  
EB: "he is simply the best there is."  
EB: i haven't measured either, fyi.  
TG: god  
TG: i mean good  
TG: thats a relief  
EB: it's not something i evenly consciously committed to memory.  
EB: it wasn't like i eyeballed it and said to myself, "yeah".  
EB: "that's pretty sizeable."  
EB: "dave's never gonna hear the end of this."  
TG: i've done a lot of stupid things but taking hold of myself and having my own private cock pageant hasnt been one of them  
EB: i could probably give you the length and girth in terms of pencil length and remote-control circumference.  
EB: that's the closest elongated objects i have at arm’s reach.  
TG: dont because i would have to write a rap about it  
EB: that would have the most innocuous title, i bet.  
EB: "one and three-quarters"  
TG: are you throwing numbers at me  
TG: seriously  
EB: no, that wasn't even a guess.  
TG: because i dont even wanna know  
TG: i am not even the least bit curious  
EB: do you want me to take it to the door jamb and compare it with the old nicks in the wood.  
TG: i know this may come as a shock to you but i am happy not knowing how big my friend john egberts schlong is  
EB: and then get out, like...  
EB: a tape measure, and tick it off, since that's what people do apparently?  
TG: i wonder if people spend more than a conceivable amount of time doing this  
TG: like what if the tape measurer just snapped like a stale breadstrick  
TG: so they have to do up their pants and limp around the house searching for the next best thing  
TG: because they just gotta know  
EB: that'd be really awkward if you had brothers.  
TG: as far as i know my bro never complained about a broken tape measurer  
EB: yeah but if you had to walk past a constant reminder of his schlong supremacy every morning?  
EB: how would that make you feel?  
TG: man i had enough to worry about as it was you think i had schlong supremacy on the mind  
TG: more like get to school without a sprained ankle or a bloody nose  
TG: when you walked past his fucking room you held your breath  
EB: "dave - a kid who'd always lie about his bruises, who also only had an adequately-sized penis."  
EB: and i'm sorry to hear that.  
EB: not the penis part.  
TG: nah its cool  
EB: "dave - a kid who'd always lie about his bruises, who also had a moderately larger-than-average sized penis."  
TG: man if my penis were disfigured i would know  
TG: so at the very least its not  
TG: actually you know what lets stop talking about this  
EB: are you saying small cocks are all disfigured?  
EB: wow how did we even get here.  
TG: i wouldnt know im not a cock scientist  
EB: how far along are we that "are you saying small cocks are all disfigured" is even a question i'd ask.  
TG: far enough  
EB: i guess you could say...  
EB: i was majorly...  
EB: DAVED.  
TG: UD was a mistake  
EB: yeah this got a little weird.  
TG: you know whats great though  
TG: were gods moving on  
EB: wow yeah you're right!  
EB: like, nothing even matters at that point.  
TG: get out there and dave em good  
EB: it's a god penis, who cares if it's weird and shrivelled.  
EB: give them the john god special anyway.  
TG: mines not weird and shrivelled is yours  
TG: hows your john john  
EB: uh, last i checked, dude! i wasn't talking about mine.  
EB: do we need to perform a mutual cock inspection or some ghostbusters-grade thing like that?  
TG: no that sounds pretty gay  
EB: what was the other definition of ghostbusters?  
EB: "it seems gay, but it isn't"?  
TG: touche  
EB: sounds legit.  
EB: "ghostbusters - showing concern for a bro that can be misconstrued as homoerotic. also, we're gods."  
TG: so basically 'no homo'  
EB: i wonder how hard we can run it into the ground until jason segel stars in a movie about it.  
TG: i was going to say hopefully wed be dead by then but we wont  
EB: yeah, that's the hard part.  
TG: at least its not like "all of us except __"  
TG: all of us rocking the god except jade  
TG: all of us rocking the god except rose  
EB: yeah...  
TG: and we already lost everything we would have had to suffer losing anyway  
EB: that worries me just thinking about it.  
EB: even though that's not really a thing to worry about anymore.  
EB: i'd take them even if it meant wasting away in the seventh circle of ghostbusters homoerotic hell, forever.  
TG: same  
EB: with my perpetually expanding dick disappearing into the black horizon.  
TG: like a midnight train beating down the track  
EB: because i'd have someone there to rose it back.  
EB: ... wow, that was really weird.  
TG: damn  
EB: don't paste this to anyone out of context.  
EB: "my perpetually growing dick disappearing into the black horizon."  
EB: "i'd have someone there to rose it back."  
TG: yes  
TG: i saw  
EB: just thought i would paste it to you again, 5 lines down.  
TG: appreciate it  
EB: the punishment is eternal mutual dick-inspection.  
TG: thats not so bad  
TG: it could be eternal mutual movie night  
EB: oh god...  
EB: what if it's...  
EB: both?  
TG: a neverending story of cinematic shitstains and frottage  
EB: who would even get landed there.  
TG: im gonna outie before its me  
TG: i smell something burning  
EB: hell ftw.  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  \--  



	2. Pesterlog 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 22:08 --  


TG: john sinks to his knees as a rainstorm gathers around him  
TT: Excuse me?  
TG: he clenches his labrales as lupine audits fall flat on his delicate pate/apex/crania/hood/fucking word for head  
TG: his pistons collapse while his tassel contorts into a joint beneath his bodice  
TG: the turgid nighttime clouds rearrange themselves into one massive middle finger flipping mother gaia the bird  
TG: some rank as all hell stonk oozing from below a stiffened tail alerts the others to fresh kill  
TT: ...  
TG: dipping a grizzled maw into the bloody buffalo carcass  
TG: he pulls away to lick his muzzle slick with cockwolf cum and victory clean  
TG: also the wolf has wings  
TG: and neon blue streaks in his fur  
TG: i mean AZURE  
TG: a wolfish grin cleaves his wolf snout apart as his feathers shudder in wolflike contentment  
TG: a posse of clowns and hermaphroditic aliens rampage out from behind the treeline  
TG: his penis slowly unsheathes as he howls to the moon and in greeting to the crowd of angry lawn ornaments  
TG: who then proceed to collectively wet themselves with intrigue i guess  
TG: he breaks away to join his kin his arosal throbbing against the inside of his thigh  
TT: You're worried about John.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i cant tell him immortality is going to be okay because dur hur its not  
TT: So you roleplayed him as a fleshy cockwolf.  
TG: you wouldnt get it its a man thing  
TT: That's what the Greeks said.  
TG: it was all a ruse  
TT: The cock ruse was a... distaction?  
TG: good work team! autobots transform and roll out  
TT: I like how you're so set on avoiding it once we can hold it down for more than two seconds, for examination's sake.  
TT: I invite you to enter 'bromance' into the Google Image Search bar.  
TT: I think the anxiety you're feeling now converges, if you will, from varying sources.  
TT: And that's fine.  
TG: all this snark is super tempting but im a big boy now so lets get back on track  
TG: back to my original motivation  
TG: john said he wasnt worried so we wouldnt worry and now im worried  
TT: And I'll say it again, since it bears repeating: that's fine.  
TT: That's very John of him.  
TT: He's such a John.  
TG: what  
TT: We could designate him to a surprisingly productive adjective.  
TG: oh  
TG: you have no idea  
TT: It'd see so much use, regardless of lexical class. Imagine, every time you melted groceries on the burner.  
TT: 'That's such a John, what you just pulled.'  
TG: i think we should stop with the adjectives and focus  
TG: i made the trip up the mountain and ive consulted with the oracle  
TG: how do i make him feel better without opening up a can of worms to do so  
TT: That's such an apt idiom.  
TT: Whether it's earthworms or all the evils of the world, there's always a lid we're reluctant to prise away.  
TG: i thought you meant the oracle part  
TT: That wasn’t an idiom.  
TT: I hope Pandora’s Box is Grecian enough to your liking.  
TG: or the pandoras box of spazz  
TT: I've always found it interesting that these afflictions of the psychological persuasion have never been so easy to approach.  
TT: Despite godlike regenerative abilities, that is.  
TG: like it should have come with the territory you mean  
TG: being so on top of this god shit its crazy  
TG: a lady on each arm the end credits roll  
TT: The fact that it doesn't may say something about the nature of what you could call the soul, maybe. But I digress.  
TT: If it weren't so awkward I would place my own name up there as synonymous with 'digression'.  
TT: 'You just pulled a total Rose, bro.'  
TT: But that's stupid, and this line of conversation is stupid.  
TG: yeah  
TG: did you talk to john today  
TT: Why would you even ask that.  
TG: nvm  
TT: Let me rephrase that, then.  
TT: What do you think you should do?  
TG: id genuinely like to talk about it and get it out the way but i know someones going to be crying by the end of it and i cant say im prepared  
TT: Can you think back to the last time you've cried?  
TT: Don't tell me it was chopping onions.  
TG: i was talking about john  
TT: Oh?  
TG: yeah dont think i couldnt see what you were trying to pull  
TG: plopping me down on the psychoanalytical divan of bullshit  
TT: Would you say...  
TT: I was trying to pull...  
TT: A complete and utter Rose?  
TG: the thought a-rose to my mind  
TT: Oh my God.  
TT: I'm sorry I even went there.  
TG: you should be  
TT: Now I’m in tears. Moving on.  
TT: What would you do, then?  
TG: ask you to talk to him  
TT: That sure sounds like a thing you would do.  
TT: That also sounds like a relapse into a dangerous habit of running away from the problems that inconvenience or otherwise frighten us.  
TT: We'll call it...  
TT: Daveing.  
TG: fuck  
TG: im surprised youre not champing at the bit  
TG: youre like yogi bear and i am offering you this prime picnic of feelings to gorge yourself upon  
TG: john needs to be reassured and im not reassuring  
TT: My exposure to children's programming was not so colorful, so I'm going to pretend to miss the reference.  
TT: And, pardon me, but:  
TT: > Implying I'm any better.  
TG: he stands a better chance with you  
TG: at least if you fail youre so wordy that youll put him to sleep  
TG: dont imply at me  
TT: > Implying there’s anything I can say that he hasn't already heard.  
TT: You two are on practically the same wavelength. Take advantage of it.  
TG: >implying he doesnt need to hear it a hundred times  
TG: being on the same wavelength isnt always a good thing  
TT: >Implying my verbal recrement will do anything to help solve the problem.  
TT: I think that if you exercised a modicum of forthrightness for once in your life, the results would surprise you.  
TT: Not unpleasantly, mind you.  
TG: you could have said that in a less condescending way but ok  
TT: We've gone down this road, Dave.  
TT: >Implying I'd be any less condescending with John.  
TG: he thinks putting his feelings in a box and sitting on it is a rational decision  
TG: i know what hes thinking because ive been there  
TG: the only thing hes going to pay any attention to at this point is what really makes sense  
TT: >Implying whatever you have to say to John makes no sense?  
TT: I'm actually curious now.  
TT: You can even roleplay it to me, since that appears to be your preferred medium of communication.  
TT: Imagine, if you will, the capitalization slipping from my shoulders like the straps of a silken evening gown. You catch a shimmer of blue underneath.  
TT: I’ve achieved full-Johnhood. The light from the spires fade, and you’re left with nothing but bespectacled, winged-cockwolf majesty to keep you company. What would you tell me?  
TG: you said it yourself at the start of the conversation we all have a can of worms  
TG: johns problem is my problem and as we all know i cant solve my own problems  
TT: You suffer from a chronic inferiority complex.  
TT: We can call it the Strider Syndrome.  
TT: I'll pluck it from my little black reference book whenever someone's underestimating themselves in the most trivial of situations.  
TG: thats nice  
TG: except were talking about john  
TT: I'm not going to pull out imply tags on you again.  
TT: I'm far too benign for that. I will say that your avoidance can veer into self-destructive tendencies in the long run.  
TG: self destructive tendencies  
TG: youre one to talk  
TG: and egberts about to blow like a shitty fourth grade volcano made of baking powder  
TG: anyway its not an inferiority complex because what footing do i have to help john if im in the same boat  
TT: Well. Aren't we all?  
TG: i cant just put on a toga and pretend to know all the answers like you do  
TT: Best clutch your rumble spheres, then.  
TT: Grab a bucket. Start bailing. You're a part of this sinking ship too, Dave.  
TG: i can handle it on my own i just cant handle it if i have john standing on my shoulders  
TG: saying nothings wrong! nothings wrong!  
TG: forget it dave!  
TT: Like I said, you might be surprised.  
TT: You might also be selling John a little short.  
TT: He cares about us.  
TG: i wouldnt be complaining about him if he didnt  
TT: I just don't understand how you manage to dance around this point so persistently.  
TT: Or maybe I'm just slow. Talk to him.  
TT: You do it every day.  
TG: what point  
TT: Not just a point. The edge.  
TT: The edge of Occam's razor.  
TT: What I'm saying here is that you should talk to him, before I compound any more awful metaphors.  
TT: It's the simplest answer, and usually the best.  
TT: Lure him into a sense of security. Play some relaxing music. Pull up a bowl of candy.  
TT: A good deal of therapy is atmosphere, anyway.  
TG: so youre not going to help me  
TT: When have I not?  
TG: this is stupid  
TG: hasnt jade said anything to you  
TG: or hell even john like i asked  
TT: About John, specifically?  
TG: no about things  
TT: We talk about a lot of things.  
TT: Stuff, too.  
TG: i mean about the four of us  
TT: For her, the joys of godhood and the joys of proximate civilization were impossible to discern from one another.  
TT: We talk about it, yes.  
TT: Talking is healthy.  
TT: You ought to give it a shot.  
TG: its damned if i do and damned if i dont  
TG: not like we havent been here before  
TT: I will say this.  
TT: It might feel as if you're clouding the waters with all this mud you're stirring up.  
TT: But I find it a worthwhile endeavor regardless.  
TG: and what if this whole talking shtick doesnt work out  
TT: What's the end-game, without segueing into a terrible sports analogy?  
TG: john being relatively more alright than he is now  
TG: enough that he doesnt get all sad as a three legged puppy in the middle of a conversation  
TT: Maybe he'll know you won't dismiss his concerns outright.  
TT: Is that a reward enough?  
TG: should it be  
TT: It's a nice feeling.  
TT: Whether or not you feel like this conversation accomplished anything, you may feel better that you could have it in the first place.  
TG: dont tell him i rpd him as a wolf  
TT: The proverbial lips are sealed and gagged.  
TT: As non-suggestively as the parameters of this scenario would allow.  
TG: *whipcrack* later  
TT: ;)  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  



	3. Pesterlog 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:21 --  


TG: this quiets like a cavity so i hope you dont get mad at me  
TG: for getting kind of chattery but let me throw you a line  
TG: i wanna know that youre fine so i guess ill just rhyme  
TG: my way to a question thats been on my mind  
TG: if being a god is a grind and not the pro skater kind  
TG: i think youll find it can get rather tough to confine  
TG: i get this stuffs rough like a killer stay puft  
TG: but concerned aint the word when i dont call your bluff  
TG: i could rap till im blue and still worry too  
TG: unless you spill like an oil tank straight crude and true  
TG: so chill like dennis quaid cause ill always be here  
TG: to serenade you non-stop like a slow moving gear  
TG: yeah  
EB: wait, what?  
TG: con air out your windsock cause im prepped for a word  
TG: dave striders passing through like an unstoppable turd  
TG: as this bromance goes higher no need to perspire  
TG: you take the pitch and ill be your confessional umpire  
TG: no forget that last part it wasnt good  
EB: sorry, afk. i thought i heard a noise.  
EB: and wow, gross! i don't think i get it.  
TG: oh  
EB: business as usual i guess!  
TG: what was the noise  
EB: my own stupid imagination i think.  
EB: it must have been the wind.  
TG: indoors  
EB: you never open the windows?  
TG: we dont have windows in texas  
TG: we just blow holes in the walls with our shotguns to catch a breeze  
EB: that's just stupid, though i guess you wouldn't need it with your fancy "AC cooling units", whatever those are.  
EB: that was a joke, by the way, i know what AC is.  
EB: before you make more sexual raps about it.  
TG: im all rapped out for now  
TG: what did you think btw  
EB: to be honest i just skimmed!  
EB: you expect me to read all that?  
TG: hey yeah i wrote it especially for you  
TG: i couldnt have worked harder if a butterfinger rolled under my desk  
TG: except that last part that last part needs work  
TG: "oh cool dave"  
TG: "very nice"  
TG: "im so fucking thankful to have an awesome friend like you"  
EB: okay from what i am getting you want me to rupture myself all over the ocean and cradle me on a slowly rotating gear.  
EB: is this like a fetish thing?  
TG: no  
EB: okay.  
EB: what kind of response are you looking for?  
TG: idk  
TG: whats goin on  
EB: jesus, dave.  
EB: that's not my answer that was me saying jesus.  
EB: because jesus isn't fucking up because there's nothing up there.  
TG: woah  
EB: whoops, that joke sounded better in my head.  
EB: besides, i wouldn’t want to offend your small-town good-old-boy sensibilities. :P  
EB: but seriously forget it, don't listen to me.  
TG: no its fine  
EB: let's forget we even went here.  
TG: are you like mad at me  
EB: no.  
EB: sorry.  
TG: its alright  
EB: i woke up on the wrong side of the bed, i guess.  
TG: beds are so dumb who needs them  
TG: that all  
EB: but seriously, are you just trying to bait answers out of me so you can laugh about it later?  
TG: no???  
TG: who said anything about laughing at you  
EB: i don't know, that just sounds like a thing you could conceivably be doing right now.  
TG: im more serious than bruce willis when he saves the world in every movie hes ever saved the world in  
TG: i wasnt making fun of you  
EB: okay, sorry.  
EB: i'm tired, i guess.  
TG: me too i got off on two wrong foots with the bed  
TG: the bed and i are seeing lawyers and ironing out the agreements  
TG: weve got our temporary orders lined up like dominos  
TG: flicking out mad litigations for marbles while the kids hide behind the sofa and cry but their wails go unheard against the shrieking rips of american values coming undone  
TG: point is im the one walking away with joint injunction im the winner  
EB: dude, i know literally nothing about the process of divorce and even i can tell you know none of what those words mean.  
EB: but me too, i guess.  
EB: we’re through with negotiations, the bed and me. the case is closed. i’m spending the last of my years in the dirty tire in my yard.  
TG: like i was saying  
TG: if this is a bad time i can go pretend to have a pet to feed  
TG: i just wanted to have a little one on one  
EB: no, no, it's not a bad time.  
EB: it's just  
EB: okay.  
TG: its just what  
EB: sorry, this is weird.  
TG: no whats wrong  
EB: i don't know, i've just been thinking.  
TG: yeah  
EB: i already told you it's stupid.  
TG: its not stupid  
EB: don't worry about it if you are.  
TG: i guarantee you its anything but stupid  
EB: no dude it's pretty dumb.  
TG: ill fight you  
EB: ugh, fine!  
EB: i've just been wondering...  
EB: okay, say you went to bed and woke up.  
TG: yeah  
EB: and you're 13 again.  
TG: yeah  
EB: and you played the game, and it turned out to be some shitty outsourced knockoff rpg sandbox hybrid.  
EB: and we forgot about it.  
EB: and we grew up and graduated and got girlfriends and passed out in strangers’ bathrooms and stuff.  
EB: i wonder if what i'm feeling right now is exactly what i'd be feeling then?  
EB: like...  
TG: like  
EB: that there's some sort of role i should be fulfilling and figuring out when i just really want to forget about it.  
EB: you know what, forget it.  
TG: well shit  
EB: no, this is dumb.  
TG: no i get it  
EB: this is worse than the shrivelled cock convo.  
EB: neither of us have any basis for comparison, anyway.  
EB: i mean about “normal” life, not shriveled penises.  
TG: look  
TG: before we even started the game i sometimes got to feeling like that too  
EB: i guess so.  
TG: i mean its not the same as what i feel now obviously because where was my head even at when i was a kid  
EB: i don't think that's what we were ever meant for, anyway.  
EB: it's stupid to think about, or, like...  
EB: "i would totally trade this for an F in bio."  
EB: "i would take sleepless nights slaving over my thesis over this."  
TG: but what would it matter john  
EB: you're right, it doesn't matter.  
TG: christ i meant what does it matter what we were meant for youre talking like were still in the game  
EB: yeah, there's no use worrying.  
EB: i don't even know what i'm saying.  
TG: youre saying its not fair  
TG: its not fair that we couldnt choose between the life we got stuck with now or the life we might have had if we didnt play right  
TG: but what would it matter if what youre feeling now is because of the game  
TG: it doesnt mean its got to get ignored  
TG: it fucking matters  
EB: i'm not ignoring it!  
EB: i mean,  
EB: i just don't think there's any use in dwelling on it i guess? it's just hard not to??  
EB: i don't know what to do.  
TG: what are you worried about  
EB: i think it's stupid that there's no shitty movie out there about becoming god to look to.  
EB: bruce almighty doesn't count.  
TG: hahaha  
TG: im not gonna lie its fucking sick the way we have to adjust  
EB: i haven't been passing ladies on the street and checking them out every time there’s a convenient updraft.  
EB: i've been basically wasting away in this house and i'm sick of it.  
TG: well what if i did something about it  
TG: or we  
EB: i'm pretty sure you couldn't time travel away our existence.  
EB: that would be pretty sweet, and also cool on paper i guess.  
TG: hey thats bad talk  
EB: like, if you went back to the origin of everything and just pulled the plug?  
TG: bullshit  
TG: john you cant think about that  
EB: yeah but who'd know?  
EB: like, who would miss it?  
EB: and this could just disappear, i guess.  
TG: gee thanks  
EB: sorry, i didn’t mean it that way.  
EB: look, you asked, and i'm not feeling so hot today.  
EB: can you, i don't know...  
EB: go back and make this conversation not happen, or something?  
TG: let me just make a suggestion first  
TG: i think its kind of insane that weve gone back to the way we were before and were basically isolated  
TG: wouldnt it make more sense at least to try and support eachother now  
TG: like i dont know see eachother again  
EB: are you suggesting a family reunion?  
TG: i am  
EB: i guess  
EB: that would be nice.  
TG: the weirdest family reunion in the history of paradox space  
TG: weirder than the flinstones meeting the jetsons and somehow getting along  
TG: forget dick measuring  
TG: were placing bets on whos tallest now  
EB: oh god.  
EB: i don't know. we have good genes.  
TG: john were coming for you  
EB: is this for real or is this another winding, sexual metaphor.  
TG: dont spoil it  
EB: sorry. uh...  
EB: dave?  
TG: yeah  
TG: youre forgiven  
EB: okay.  
TG: actually you never had to say sorry in the first place  
TG: my internet connections balls in case you said anything just now  
EB: i was just saying that your rap was shit and your awful analogies and semi-ironic creepy-fetish-guy schtick are both really annoying, and i was going to thank you.  
TG: just skip to the thank you part  
TG: where you tell me im such a great guy  
EB: i was taught that the capacity for honesty was an integral part of manhood, and that i should always be true to myself and others.  
EB: and it would be a total pussy move of me if i didn't say i'm glad you're there for me, bro.  
EB: you and rose and jade.  
EB: so thanks again, i guess.  
TG: i wouldnt have it any other way  
TG: its a curse but do me a solid and remember that it can be a blessing  
TG: weve all got your back  
EB: god do i know it.  
EB: shit, this is so embarrassing.  
TG: i was serious about getting together  
EB: i was really hoping you were.  
TG: and no more rpgs  
TG: its yahtzee or uno or old maid fuckers  
TG: hungry hungry hippo til we drop  
TG: so yeah ill find a way of making it happen  
TG: the biggest obstacle is just jade and thats it really  
EB: or is she?  
TG: i meant getting her off the island doofus  
EB: i know.  
EB: i guess we can hash it out together sometime, once everybody isn't busy.  
EB: that's assuming the others agree to it.  
TG: trust me  
TG: ill make it happen  
EB: where doing this?  
TG: affirmative  
EB: this is really dumb, but sometimes i'd get impulses like that.  
TG: yeah  
EB: i just think, i could fly over there dude.  
EB: and probably get shot down once i accidentally fly over a restricted zone, and then bleed out into some desert in the midwest.  
TG: if you ever feel like pulling the plug again you glide over here like a flying squirrel do you hear me  
EB: yeah.  
EB: i just wish we had hovercars by now so there'd be skymaps or something sweet like that to take with me.  
EB: i guarantee i'd strand myself otherwise.  
EB: oh man, there'd be a "by hovercar" tab on google maps and everything.  
EB: i would be so set.  
TG: ok but  
TG: john really you dont have to be this solitary independent bulwark of adulthood against the rest of the world  
TG: by all rights we should be fucking excused  
TG: schools out goodnight so much for expectations  
EB: i haven't been a very good adult so far, if you ask me.  
EB: i am not going to even begin to describe my living environment at this moment.  
EB: it's just not pretty.  
TG: who are you comparing yourself to  
TG: or what  
EB: i guess your alleged fridge full of katanas, if i was supposed to believe you!  
EB: it's not as bad in that way but bad in a lot of others. i let myself go to shit.  
TG: ok  
TG: so its time to turn over a new leaf  
EB: wow, you’re right.  
EB: today i might even shower!  
TG: shit, lets be adults  
EB: i'll shave and everything.  
EB: maybe i can grow out something respectable, for once.  
TG: what  
EB: some dignified mustache to commemorate my fresh ascension up the echeladder of manhood?  
EB: from... boy shut-in to mjollnirstache of asgard. :P  
EB: duh!  
TG: oh no  
TG: so what are you now like some hairy bushman living in a cave on someone elses wifi  
EB: basically.  
EB: if by cave you mean my house.  
EB: and by bushman you mean loser.  
TG: yeah well you didnt just try to rap your way to a meaningful conversation  
EB: if it's any consolation to you, it wasn't total shit.  
EB: i wouldn't let rose and a red pen come anywhere near it, though.  
EB: it'd take an uncomfortable turn two lines in.  
TG: thanks buddy  
TG: just remember youre not the only one ok  
EB: yeah.  
TG: you dont have to impress anybody  
EB: it was stupid for me to act that way.  
TG: no  
TG: i completely get why you acted that way  
TG: and im a dbag for not having said anything earlier  
TG: a total dave  
EB: a douche shandy extraordinaire.  
TG: john nothing you said was stupid im stupid  
EB: i guess the fact we haven't blown anything up so far is a good start.  
EB: it's like with pokemon, and these 10 year olds have all these powerful monsters, and everyone is thinking "wow, why is no one dead?"  
EB: that's exactly what it's like.  
TG: maybe we should blow something up like a bus  
EB: is it bad that blowing up a bus would make me feel a lot better?  
EB: i think i finally understand the point of moraliegence, or whatever it was called.  
TG: you probably pissed off a bunch of psychic aliens just now  
EB: you don't let your buddy blow up buses, except with trolls there's like touching and stuff.  
TG: with trolls theres always touching and stuff  
EB: sometimes i think about that too.  
EB: it would be really funny and really sad if they could see me right now.  
TG: john  
TG: jade and rose and me were here and its thanks to you  
TG: thats no exaggeration  
EB: no dude, i’m pretty sure it’s the other way around  
EB: i mean, i’m basically where i am now because everyone was holding my hand through it, like bossy fairy guides.  
TG: why is that bad though  
TG: maybe its not a problem maybe you just got people who like you enough to do it  
EB: first it was my father, then rose as my server player, and then you when you stopped a troll from killing me.  
EB: and jade, and even the trolls! vriska said she fell ass-backwards into god tier, but it’s not like i’m that much different?  
EB: and i'm only alive because of her, and you, and everyone else.  
EB: and i don't know if that's for the better, because i’ve been doing approximately nothing since people stopped telling me where to go.  
TG: you really got to stop letting the game bring you down  
TG: because the game is over  
EB: i know.  
TG: it is  
TG: for the better i mean  
TG: youre really gonna make me say this  
TG: its not worth sticking around if you and jade and rose arent here  
EB: wow.  
TG: well  
TG: it isnt  
EB: i know, it’s just not something i would’ve expected you to say!  
TG: so what the fuck are we doing  
EB: i guess...  
EB: we have some catching up to do.  
TG: im guessing whoever has the most issues meeting up will be the person who hosts the mad shindigs  
TG: so dont start mopping your cave just yet bromo sapien  
EB: i am pretty sure you could make a TLC special about this place.  
TG: haha i cant imagine you on a plane  
EB: i've been on planes plenty, douche! it was just over a decade ago.  
TG: and as some dude is kicking the back of your chair youre thinking  
TG: i dont have to deal with this bs  
EB: oh my god.  
TG: bam its john fucking egbert casually shouldering a parachute he doesnt even need  
TG: he kicks open the door to the plane and jumps out  
TG: bye losers  
EB: you've seen that one twilight zone episode, haven't you?  
TG: which one  
EB: nightmare at 20,000 feet!  
TG: i think i could handle it  
EB: maybe i'll just find your plane and be the gremlin to your william shatner.  
TG: or to some poor lady going to see her grandkids  
EB: either way, someone's getting stared at through a window.  
TG: thats the worst way to say thanks for all that ive done  
TG: scare the pajama pants off me why dont you  
EB: maybe i can give proper thanks in person.  
EB: we're no longer confined to our shitty weeaboo rp thanks.  
TG: i am holding you to your word  
EB: i'll bring my tail.  
TG: ill bring my katana  
EB: and rose will have her trunk of weird lovecraft stuff and jade is always a furry, and it won't be nearly as uncomfortable as it should be.  
TG: now that you bring it up i dont know if i can share a house with rose i mean can you imagine  
TG: grimcooties aside  
TG: two grown men and a half wild girl in my house sure come on over  
EB: she could use a masculine presence or two.  
EB: we're men, dave.  
TG: can you believe it  
TG: first i was a twerp now im a men check it out  
EB: we go so long without showering that we lose track of how many weeks it's been.  
EB: i'm pretty sure that can be construed as manly.  
TG: apparently theres this thing where we grow small forests on our faces  
EB: if i were stranded on a deserted island, no one would bat an eye.  
EB: it'd be "rugged".  
TG: it will all unfold like the tom hanks movie starring a god who couldnt fly his way out of a plane crush  
TG: but instead of the volleyball you get me  
EB: can you imagine how castaway would go if the ball was just you?  
TG: yeah just a volleyball with sunglasses  
TG: or tom hanks carting me around the island with a crazed look in his eye  
TG: i keep telling him the names dave not wilson  
EB: you would've been chucked off an outcropping and never heard of again.  
TG: ill ask rose if she wants to adopt us  
TG: i guess we could use my place as backup  
i'm pretty sure she would have a lot to say about it if she ended up our mother.  
our family tree is already this ontological paradox.  
TG: the truth is i went back in time and fucked around and im your grandad  
EB: hot.  
EB: wait.  
TG: i wonder if rose still has that bomb shelter full of booze  
EB: ...  
EB: i wonder if she's been okay?  
TG: damn  
TG: well she sounded okay  
EB: yeah, but does she ever not?  
TG: maybe we shouldnt tell her anything  
TG: keep it a surprise  
EB: what if she's slowly killing her liver, and then the liver's painfully reviving, and she just carries on like this for years and years?  
TG: theres a morbid thought i never wanna think of again  
EB: yeah but rose is FULL of those.  
EB: shit, now i really want to see what's up.  
TG: its decided then  
EB: maybe we shouldn't tell her, you're right.  
TG: you shave  
TG: ill go find a tux  
TG: jade will get a boat  
EB: wow a boat sounds nice too, but that's not important.  
EB: what's important is that we do all this, and rose isn't doing some stupid messed up experiments that i don't really want to think about.  
TG: or anyone isnt doing anything stupid really  
EB: she did say she wanted to find out how the game ticks. what if she tries the same with... you know...  
TG: right  
EB: yeah.  
TG: im gonna double check some stuff like plane tickets you just  
TG: sit tight and be responsible for mankind for a sec  
TG: watch some jane austen adaptations whatever you do when im not there to judge you  
EB: i'll kick back to some dane cook.  
TG: there you go  
EB: and if they somehow can see, and karkat's still watching for whatever reason, he won't be completely embarrassed.  
TG: why is that  
EB: he'll think it's a pretty disgusting sight, but i have good taste in comedians.  
TG: your good taste thats another thing i have to fix  
EB: uh-huh.  
EB: i haven't eaten any lube yet, so i'm otherwise in the clear.  
EB: maybe you can take a sampling with you.  
TG: its good with graham crackers  
EB: i believe you.  
TG: brb  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:50 --  



End file.
